April 07, 2020
Last Sunday, I "went to church" in my living room. I've been having my kids join me to watch, but this Sunday, I let them play on the floor so I could concentrate. I don't know why, but I knew that I needed to hear something.
I feel a bit silly complaining about how hard this has been. We have a beautiful home that we're "stuck in." We have plenty of food. Bryan's job is "essential" so he's still going out every other day or so. But I have the luxury of working from home. My kids are healthy. We're healthy.
And yet, I still feel defeated by all of this sometimes. I miss my friends. I miss my parents. I'm grieving for my children and the in-person educational experiences they're missing (we love our teachers). I see my kids grappling with this new normal too. Plus, I'm tired. Working full time and homeschooling full time and cooking full time and cleaning full time is exhausting. And the laundry is unending. For the last few days, I've been in a bit of a funk. We sometimes call it a Launch Week hangover. :) We had so much adrenaline leading up until Launch Day, then Launch Day was great (even better than last Spring, it was wonderful!), and then... ah!
I woke up to see the sunrise this morning only to realize I'd slept through it. The sunrise off our back porch has been a bit of a beautiful metaphor for this COVID-19 situation for me. As long as I see that sun coming up, I know God is still in control and all hope is not lost. When I missed it this morning, I felt a bit bummed. And yet, He still did it. That sun was right up in the sky. He did it with enthusiasm and eagerness just like He did the very first time He pulled the sun into the sky. When I feel like I'm running out of steam, God reminds me that His "steam" is both endless and boundless.
Where does He get all that energy and endurance? I'll never know. But the realization inspired me to get up and keep going. Bryan is homeschooling today and I'm working in the office. I process thoughts by writing them the way that I talk, so thank you for coming to my therapy session today. :)
Back to last Sunday's sermon -- it was on endurance. (PS: I'm not a member of Passion City Church, but I've really been enjoying their online programs these last few weeks. Join me next Sunday if you'd like). If you'd like to watch a replay of that sermon, do yourself a favor and click below. I cried. On Palm Sunday, Jesus stood outside the city, looked toward the ultimate suffering, and said, I will do this. And He did. He gave His life and suffered in the worst way possible because He knew something better was on the other side.
I could make a lot of comments right here comparing Jesus' suffering to the *totally insignificant suffering* I'm feeling stuck in my house. But I won't. Because this is the path I've been called to walk. And yours is the path you've been called to walk. Together, if we walk them with grace and endurance, honoring when we feel tired or defeated and encouraging each other when we have extra energy to give... then we'll be fulfilling what God is doing here.
What is God doing here? Heck if I know. But I know, from past experiences, that if I walk through suffering or sadness or overwhelm, one foot in front of the other, reminding myself along the way why in the world the work I do matters (in my home, at my laptop, when tucking my kids in, when I'm washing another dang dish this week) then it will be worth it. If a king can fall so a kingdom can rise, then I too can push through, pull myself up, and carry my load with vigor, enthusiasm, and eagerness.
We will endure. You will endure. Fear strips us of energy. Structure makes space for energy to regenerate. And faith allows us to put one foot in front of the other - toward Glory - even when nothing makes sense.
The work you're doing matters. When you look back at this time, may you look back with fondness at the grace you showed yourself and others, may you remember the gift of slowness that was forced upon us, and may you be proud of how many times you kept going with vigor, when you wanted to give up.
Here's a good song if you need a boost today.
And here's a video that just GOT me the other day. I love this song so much. Top 5 favorites.