January 12, 2012
In late 2010, I was traveling with Lara and Gina for the Making Things Happen tour. We’d yet to meet Natalie in Hawaii and were surrounded with a group of amazing women in Houston, Texas. I distinctly remember Lara Molettiere using the word intentional when she described her love for her family. She wanted to be intentional in the coming year with her time, her resources and her actions. I was 7.5 months pregnant with Brady at the time and the word stuck with me. I wouldn’t learn the true meaning of that word for almost a year.
Now that Brady’s really starting to interact with us, this word has taken on a whole new meaning.
I want the best for him.
I want my words to make him strong.
I want my actions to make him proud.
I want my choices to inspire him to dream big.
I want the experiences we give him to make him invincible.
I want the stories we read him to make him smart.
I want the memories we build to teach him what home is.
I want to let him fall and learn to stand on his own. But I always want to be there when he can’t get back up.
I want my marriage to teach him love. I want our prayers to lead him to God.
In the early days of being a mother I was just trying to survive. The sleep deprivation. The newness. I’d never changed a diaper… Today I was talking with Lara Casey and I saw that look in her eye that I remember so intensely. That longing for sleep, trying to figure it out, overwhelmed with more love than she’s ever known look. She’s a wonderful mother. I got to see sweet Grace and my heart almost burst! I remember Brady being seven weeks old and feeling so minute-to-minute. I knew, especially while Bryan was traveling for three days at a time every week that if I could just make it to the next morning, I could start over again. If I could just make it to Thursday night, Bryan would be here to help me.
And looking back on that crazy time I realize… I had no idea what I was doing… but I was doing everything I could… and that was perfectly enough.
But now things are slower. Brady is almost one. I have more time. More help. And somedays I (gasp) think I’ve got a decent grip on this mom thing… for now.
And these big feelings are starting to wash over me.
I want to live my every day with intention. Not just with Brady. But for Brady. For God.
I don’t talk about my faith much on my blog. I should. I have a weird fear about that. It’s an enormous part of who I am. It’s an enormous part of my thought processes and the reason why I do 100% of the things I do. I don’t talk to anyone about it a lot really. I should…
I want to live my life with a servant’s heart. I want to be an intentional mother. I want to be an intentional wife. If I can’t find a really, really good reason for doing something, I want to say no.
Today, Lara, Gina, Natalie and I had a wonderful Skype call. It did my heart so good to see my best friends.
We talked about this very thing. God is working enormous miracles in each of our lives. We have so much to be thankful for. And so much to easily take for granted.
I don’t want to ever take any of this for granted, not for one second.
I feel like writing the rest of this post in italics. Because that’s what I do when I say something really close to my heart…
Perhaps I am crazy. Perhaps I am going to smother my little boy. Or perhaps every mother really does feel this way. I can’t imagine having another baby, God willing, one day. How on earth will I have any love left over for another? When Brady was five days old, I walked into my guest room where my Mom and Dad were staying and half laughed/half cried that I loved Brady too much and didn’t know what to do. (Thank you post-pregnancy hormones and a good dose of a real mama’s love that night). I worried over him for so long. I prayed God would bless us with a baby and then prayed ’til my hands ached for Him to take care of him in my belly. And he’s so unbelievably perfect. To know a mother’s love is to know the closest thing possible to God’s. I truly believe it.
I want to live every day carefully with intention. With grace, not perfection… but keeping close watch on my intentions, on my reasons and on my priorities.
My promise for 2012.